You might thing the first thing I'd do is cry, and I would have thought that too! I cry at the slightest emotion. Subaru commercials, Disney movies, anything where the dog dies, or might die, or does something heroic, etc. My daughter Daphne calls me a sap and loves to make me cry with moving songs or memories. ๐ญ
But I didn't cry. I was completely emotionally paralyzed by the shock and weight of having cancer. I'm 43! I have a 6yr old daughter! I love life and work very hard to ensure I'll have a long and vibrant one. The idea of facing my mortality was just too much for my brain or heart to process.
Though I was emotionally paralyzed, I did jump into action in other ways. One of my strengths and favorite coping mechanisms is research. Luckily (?) I've had chronic health issues for decades, and I have been immersed in researching health and wellness for many years. I already had some basic knowledge of things that would help my cancer journey and knew some places to look for more information.
โ
That first night I reached out to an acquaintance here in Boise who had gone through breast cancer recently, and she kindly gave me a long list of places and practitioners to research. She has generously shared her story and is a wealth of knowledge on integrative cancer healing!
I ordered several books to read on integrative cancer care.
I searched for podcasts on integrative cancer care. I knew this would be part of how I would find my team of doctors.
I began changing over to the Ketogenic diet.
I dialed up my detox routine, exercise routine, and sleep hygiene.
I made a list of integrative cancer clinics to reach out to for initial consultations when they opened again on Monday.
All of that before I even had the results call with the nurse navigator from the hospital, or processed anything emotionally. ๐
๐ปโโ๏ธ
I got my results in my patient portal on a Friday afternoon, and had the call with the nurse navigator on Monday. She was kind and let me know that my next step with the hospital would be to meet with a surgeon.
I immediately knew that I'd want to meet more than one surgeon before I decided who to work with (did you know you can always do that?) and she helpfully guided me on how to do that. I researched a list of surgeons inside the St. Luke's system and chose one who seemed like she might be open to integrative care, and also booked a consultation with an independent surgeon who came highly recommended.
And then finally...๐ญ
Sometime that next week, I started to feel again. I remember very clearly sitting in our sauna and sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. Begging some higher power to not take me away from my daughter when she still needs me so much. To let me witness her life, and be her mama.
Though I have always believed that I will make it through this, I have also had a few moments where I have to process the idea that I might not, and those moments floor me. But they are necessary. A body cannot hold that much pain and fear inside, it has to come out.
A common refrain in cancer treatment is to stay positive, never doubt that you'll make it through, meditate on healing.
That is all valuable and should be the majority of your thoughts, but I think its unhealthy to deny emotions that need to come out as you process your diagnosis and the journey ahead of you.
In the core of my heart I have always seen myself at the end of this journey, ok and healed. But I still cry sometimes and let the fear and sadness out so it doesn't turn toxic and harm me more.
Choices I made and things I learned at this stage |
|
1) I chose to meet with many different doctors before deciding who to work with. In the end I met with 3 western doctors and 7 integrative doctors.
2) I knew right away that I'd want an integrative plan of care, combining the best of conventional treatments and natural and supportive treatments. I knew that finding the doctor to lead that side would be essential before I made any other decisions.
|
With love and gratitude,
Elizabeth
โ